When a New Language Becomes a Safe Space
My Journey and the Science Behind It
Today, I’m going to get a bit vulnerable and share something deeply personal from my journey, something that shaped not only my identity but also my work in multilingualism.
As a child, I was painfully shy and carried the weight of social anxiety into every classroom I entered. While other kids played and laughed together, I often found myself on the outskirts, caught in my own world, a world filled with music. But not just any music, music in English, a language that, for some reason, felt like a key to a door I desperately wanted to open.
Back then, we didn’t have the Internet, so I would spend hours trying to catch and transcribe lyrics from tapes or radio, translating them word by word, writing them down phonetically so I could memorize them.
English wasn’t just a school subject to me, it was a lifeline. While I struggled to use Italian at school, English gave me a voice, a confidence I couldn’t find in my own language. It felt like a protective wall, a way to express myself without the fear of judgment.
Funny how, many years later, everything I felt as a shy child and teenager finally made sense. What I had instinctively used as a coping mechanism was, in fact, a well-documented phenomenon in the field of multilingualism: using a new language as a filter to manage emotions and anxiety.
The Research Behind the Filter Effect
When I later studied linguistics and multilingualism, I encountered the very concept that explained my own experience: the idea that people often use a foreign language as an emotional buffer. Research has shown that using a non-native language can reduce emotional intensity, helping speakers distance themselves from fear, anxiety, and judgment.
One striking study published in Women and Language explored how women in the Amazon used different languages not just to communicate, but to navigate social dynamics, assert identity, and even protect themselves emotionally.
Similar patterns have been observed worldwide. People often find that expressing themselves in a second or third language creates a kind of emotional distance, a filter that can reduce vulnerability and anxiety.
That’s exactly what I had been doing as a child. English wasn’t just a language: it was a shield.
From Personal Experience to Professional Insights
In my professional journey as a multilingualism consultant, I’ve met many families and educators who recognize this phenomenon, even if they don’t name it as such. Children, teenagers, and adults often gravitate towards a certain language, not because it’s easier, but because it feels safer.
Parents have told me about children who speak fluently in a second language at school but refuse to use their home language. Others describe feeling more confident in a non-native language during public speaking or presentations. And in consultations, I’ve heard countless stories of people who found their “voice” in a language not originally their own.
Why does this happen? Because language isn’t just a system of words and rules, it’s deeply tied to our emotions, identity, and sense of belonging.
The Science of the Foreign Language Effect
Multiple studies have confirmed that people tend to experience reduced emotional reactivity when using a non-native language. This is known as the Foreign Language Effect (FLE).
Researchers suggest that because processing a foreign language requires more cognitive effort, there’s less room for immediate emotional responses. This creates a subtle but real emotional distance between the speaker and their feelings.
A fascinating finding from this body of research is that decisions made in a foreign language tend to be more rational and less influenced by emotional bias. This isn’t to say we become emotionless, but rather that the language creates a kind of filter, allowing us to think more clearly and feel less overwhelmed.
How This Connects to Raising Multilingual Children
When working with multilingual families, I often see these patterns emerge. A child might refuse to use the home language, not because they don’t value it, but because it feels too vulnerable. They might gravitate towards the school language, even if their home language skills are strong.
Similarly, parents might feel more comfortable using the community’s dominant language, especially in stressful situations like medical appointments. This isn’t about rejecting their home language, it’s about managing emotions and navigating social expectations.
The key takeaway? The language we choose in different contexts is often about more than just words. It’s about how we feel and how safe we feel expressing ourselves.
Tips for Parents and Educators
If you’re raising or supporting multilingual children, here are a few strategies to consider:
✅ Respect their language choices. If a child prefers one language in certain contexts, try to understand the underlying emotional reasons.
✅ Create safe spaces for the home language. Use it during play, storytime, or one-on-one moments where there’s no pressure.
✅ Model confidence in your own language use. Children pick up on your attitudes, if you embrace your accent or imperfect grammar, they will too.
✅ Normalize the struggle. Explain that everyone feels shy or unsure sometimes, and that it’s okay to lean on a familiar language for comfort.
✅ Avoid framing language use as “good” or “bad.” Focus on communication and connection rather than correctness.
My Journey Comes Full Circle
Looking back, I see now that my teenage self wasn’t “weird” or “confused”, I was instinctively using English as a protective filter. It allowed me to participate in a world that felt too overwhelming in my native Italian.
It gave me space to experiment with expression, to connect with music and culture, and to develop confidence.
Today, as a multilingualism consultant, I share these insights with families, educators, and professionals around the world. My story is no longer just my own, it’s part of a larger conversation about how languages shape our emotions, identities, and relationships.
Ready to Go Deeper?
If my story resonates with you, if you’re a parent, educator, or professional supporting multilingual families, I invite you to join The Multilingual Garden Academy.
Inside, you’ll find:
Video courses packed with real-life strategies and case studies
Insights from my 10+ years of working with multilingual families
Tools to help you build confidence and navigate multilingualism with ease
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References
Chernela, J. M. (2004). The politics of language acquisition: Language learning as social modeling in the northwest Amazon. Women and Language, 27(1), 13–21.
Keysar, B., Hayakawa, S. L., & An, S. G. (2012). The foreign-language effect: Thinking in a foreign tongue reduces decision biases. Psychological Science, 23(6), 661–668.
Pavlenko, A. (2005). Emotions and multilingualism. Cambridge University Press.
Dewaele, J. M. (2013). The link between foreign language classroom anxiety and enjoyment: A study of the learner’s perspective. The Modern Language Journal, 97(4), 835–848.